flicker

My heart fluttered when you reminded me to smile

when you told me i should be happy



you are seldom serious

but today.. your smile told me otherwise..




my heart fluttered.



and then it was gone...

Yojiro Noda

i am usually stressed with work
and days usually pass as exhausting and uneventful blurs..


my mind is usually a messful mush by the time i got home..


however these past few days has been..
i dont know...

easier..

i am floating..





my mind is impenetrable, stress wont come in..

and work has become bearable..





i have recently listened to a new band..
their music penetrates me..
i feel like my soul has been revived..


i can even write a blog now while working..
yes i am at work right now.. (shame on me)




i accidentally came accross the band as i was browsing through my ex-boyfriends files on my laptop..

you see.. that ex-boyfriend was a huge part of my being..
but.. life happened.. as they say..

and that's not what im going on about..






i tried listening to that song..

a single line and then i was taken..
a beautifuly sad voice..
singing..







the words were a blur as it is of a different language..
but the music ran through me..
i felt like i was in a trance and i cannot move..
and i cried..


i cried like there was no tomorrow..



the love and sadness in his voice was resonating through me the very same way i have always felt when that ex-boyfriend gave me those meaningful whispers..


i was blissful and felt very much loved but at the same time was scared of what comes after..


after happiness always comes the numbing sadness..

ive experienced..


that is the reason why whenever i get happy i get really scared of what desolation is upcoming..



the song reminded me of him but for the most part it reminded me of how he must have felt the whole time i was being doubtful of things..

how i cant trust him completely and how selfish and self-absorbed i am..

but these have all come and passed..




my mind usually wanders to that voice nowadays and everything becomes easy..


like the coldness in my heart is somehow shared and i feel like i am not alone..


at any time of the day, that voice suddenly comes through my  mind and i am pretty sure i can hear it.. on the bus, while walking, at work..


that voice has somehow given me peace..
and i am thankful for that..
Thank you.. #YOJIRONODA

hate

​
i hate how i accidentally become mean to people im usually good to. But this is who i am. Is it really necessary to always just show your good side for people to stay by your side.
How can this other person be mean but only i am able to see it. how come other people are being overly kind to this person. when all the shit in her mind they are unable to read.
am i not allowed to be the person i really am.
should i lie to myself the whole time? just for them to consider me as somebody.

This is exhasuting.
People are exhausting.

Sadness and Death

Lately...
i have been on the brink of letting go and saying fuck it to everybody.

Everything feels so worthless.. like time is just slipping by and i cant do anything about it.
it saddens  mw to think that the only thing that i look forward to are paydays.

where i just go ahead and waste all my money on food, expensive clothes and other worthless shenanigans.

i thought i was a deep person, i thought that is what i am all about...
my depth, my complexity and the strange way i look at life.

i thought i was something else in comparison to all the mundane people around me..
but society is slowly eating me away..
all this band wagoning narcissistic people are getting into me.

and all i feel right now is the emptiness that i acquired by getting near these type of people.

im not who i used to be.

i was more than blissful when i was just a simple person living a simple life.

dont get me wrong, my life is not glitz and glamour.

its just that my life now is far from where i started.

i am now blinded by the so called "success" in this society.

i dont know how to get out of this mentality but heck id like to get away.

death. is not an option. though sometimes it seems refreshing.


to think that you have been working your ass out for everything material, but one day, suddenly without warning. you die. and everything was non-sense.



EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY.